Monday, September 20, 2010

Out of the Fog

Realizations can come like a flash in the pan. One moment, I stand in complete confusion, not knowing what steps to make, and the next, there is clear direction and a sense of purpose. Not that I'm particularly happy with where I'm headed at the moment. I fly out of LA tomorrow back to Miamisburg, Ohio. I've come to terms with this decision and no longer see it as failure.

About two months ago, I had this idea of going out to LA for a week or so to get the lay of the land, meet people, get around, see what it's like, etc. This trip has been very much like that, I have met such incredible people. I've met so many interesting people who have encouraged me during times when I felt so afraid and uncertain. So, I made my short trip and have seen that I fit here, that this is a place where I could flourish. I'll go home, write my ass off and do whatever I can to get my screenplays into production, perhaps have to file for bankruptcy, but we'll see.

When I was in Mankato, when I just happened to show up at the University as the watercolor painting class was painting, I felt I'd found my tribe. Later that afternoon, I met an eighty-one year old psychic healer at Cub Foods, yet another member, perhaps a shaman in that tribe. This was the day after my catharsis in Sakatah State Park, of learning to trust the Universe, that she is always concerned with my highest good no matter how it feels to me. Those moments were like a death, and the very next day, I was re-born into a new phase. I've come into a time of attracting my tribe--people who see the world similarly to myself.

This past weekend I met a woman who is studying at Fuller Theological Seminary (one of the three leading Evangelical seminaries in the country). In many ways, we have been on a very similar journey of becoming fed up with Evangelicalism, but she's stayed inside while I've gone outside. This experience reminded of a time when I spoke to my pastor in Irving, Texas, perhaps eight years ago. I explained my radical thoughts to him and his response was, "You're a prophet. God has put you here to challenge the church." His words resonated at the time, but have long gone dormant since I disavowed my Evangelical beliefs. But in meeting the seminary student, I'm considering opening my heart to the possibility that there is still something to it, though I have to say I'd really rather have nothing to do with the church. But the more important point is that meeting such fascinating people is the connection between the Minnesota Bike Tour and the LA Reconnaissance Tour. They are two phases of the same journey. I intend to write an essay about it and will try to get it published.

I really don't like Ohio. It was difficult to live there. But I believe there must still be some remaining karma for me to work out--otherwise, why go back at what seems to me a very critical moment? One thing is I know I need to be more accepting of others. I also need to learn to live in the moment and not try so hard to figure out what's coming down the road. I almost never get it right anyway, so I'm going to try to stop trying to figure it out. I know that I will write screenplays and be paid for them, but I don't currently know how I will get from A to B. I accept this next stage and will do my best to be the man I need to be under those circumstances and try to enjoy myself in the process.

Miamisburg, Ohio residents Fred Lucas and Billy Rae Le Suer find themselves resistant to the current "faggot" direction things are going with Mark Weaver walking and riding a "gad-derned" bicycle everywhere.

One thing I've learned on this two-pronged tour is that the Universe often brings things to us to get us to see who we are in comparison to our potential. She doesn't care how much it hurts either--consider the Holocaust in Germany. Sometimes all we can do is just bear the pain and get through it. Nevertheless, there is gold in those painful moments if we are willing to dig. Digging's hard and it often requires that we act or think in ways that challenge us at deep levels, as I wrote in a recent post. Our highest good is always her goal, and she doesn't care what pain we experience to get us there. The Universe can be quite ruthless, but it seems it's better to go with her flow than to resist it.